Time and a Half

My final semester of my undergraduate education is coming to a close here in the next two weeks. I'm not really sure how to feel. There's so much TO feel. "Anxious," I think, would be the only appropriate one-word descriptor to apply.
Big plans to hopefully come to fruition following this holiday season. I hope everything works out.


By the way, this happened:

 

Yeah. So, a lot of good and mysterious stuff to look forward to in the very near future.

I hope everyone else is handling things well in life.

Take care,

-Etrius

Fear

The Halloween season, that I am sadly too busy to truly participate in this year, got me thinking about what I am afraid of. Not accounting for any failings in self awareness, I would generally say that I'm not afraid of very many things. But I finally found the word to describe something I do find scary, and that I am legitimately afraid of: Indoctrination.

Not any specific kind. Just in general.

Probably stemming from my insecurity that I may not understand myself or know who I am; that who I consider to be "me" may only be composed of things others have forced upon me and that nothing I would consider uniquely "me" is really mine at all. Spooky.

So, what are YOU afraid of?

Take care,
-Etrius

Gravity

Not intending to be too specific, I just wanted to lightly reflect on recent events.

Reason is a powerful tool. Like any tool, if mishandled, it can be very dangerous.

I falsely used reason as a measure of comfort to justify how I was living certain aspects of my life. It comforted me to think that how I felt, was reasonably the best I could feel. To acknowledge that I felt more or less would be to invite the doubt of the unreasonable. Unreasonable was, in accordance with seeking out reason for comfort, a decidedly dangerous thing to deal with. But what I couldn't see, was that my perception of "unreasonable," was in itself unreasonable. I couldn't give what I couldn't understand a chance. I couldn't accept that it was okay to not be able to reason with something.

This weekend let me see parts of myself, that I had suppressed as "unreasonable," to be no less a part of me, than my otherwise "reasonable" parts, despite what I called them.

I had regarded feeling my way through something new to be too dangerous to be worth it. A miscalculated notion based on previous circumstances that I couldn't see I had stacked against myself.

I felt this weekend.

For the first time in longer than I care to admit, I felt. I had forgotten the "delights of uncertainty." So many feelings in such a short period of time; of them, the most potent was the sensation of accepting that I am human. The next was accepting that, as a human, I can love without the need to reason and that it is not the same thing as being unreasonable. It is reasonable for a human to be human.

As of now, the experience is still fresh and my whole being hasn't fully stepped back and accepted that this weekend really happened. I do accept, however, that it will come in time.

My mind tells me I will never understand. My heart tells me I am not meant to.

Take care,
-RTB

Crunch Time

Well, I don't think I have it in me to give a full over-view of the recent goings-on; but given my extended absence I do feel like I owe at least "laying down what the playing field looks like" for me.

Okay, the long term-y looking stuff looks like this: Grad-school or Work. I'm pretty sure I already know my family's support is out the window on this one, but I'd really like to pursue grad-school if I can. I'd like to pursue a master's program in Game Design at Sacred Heart University if-at-all possible. My dream carrier outcome would be to combine my Undergrad's Sociology experience with that of a Game Designer so that I may work to create more good socially respectable and responsible games. "Respectable and responsible" in the form of not being exploitative of humankind's out-groups; if anything, embellish the things all people can find in common and feel deeply about.
The difficulties that stand before this dream are generally the consequences of me taking too long to care about things. Specifically, most grad programs require a particular GPA and letters of recommendation in addition to other things. My extended absence from the realm of "student that cares about grades" has left me with a GPA that will only barely allow me to graduate (if it doesn't get any lower). This has, in part, extended from my lack of willingness to communicate with my professors; so I was not comfortable seeking help with complications that arose. The lack of communication has left me in a position of not having too many (if any) professors that will know me enough to effectively back me in a letter of recommendation.
I know I put myself in this position; I'm not trying to blame anyone else here but me, but that doesn't mean I have to like it (or let it hold me down).
The alternative would be to stay local and find some work; I don't even know where to begin with trying to figure that out. I've been eye-balling my internship as a possibility, but that's too up-in-the-air to figure conclusively at the moment. The other thing would be to ask my current place of work for something; but for as long as I've been there, the more I'm gathering that staying longer than intended is going to hold me down in terrible ways. My "left field" option is to look for something new with my degree and see where that takes me etc...but that little issue leads me into...

Short-term-y, more "immediately pressing issues" type stuff: the race against time. Well, to put it simply: I am here in my last semester. This semester extends beyond the four years covered by the TAP financial aid: I'm left to cover the difference out-of-pocket. I have money, but it's not even close to enough. Apparently, I'll be allowed to finish the semester, but not being able to pay the college back on-time will delay me getting my degree. As it stands, I'm fighting for as many hours at work as my already-cramped schedule can handle. I haven't crunched any numbers; but the way I figure, I should be able to pay the school what I owe within the semester's time (provided no complications arise). I'm planning my spending as tightly as I can with still being able to feed myself etc.
Believe me, I've ran the worst-case scenarios through my head already; I won't mention them here, but just having them run through my head has my spirits in dyer straights.

So, for the sake of protocol, I may as well say that I'm probably not going to be making a regular schedule of blogging or vlogging. Or general social anything, for that matter. The social interactions I've been afforded thus far have been out of luck, or some personal cost.

The best looking thing about my situation so far is that, from what I can tell, each of my classes seem interesting and able to offer something meaningful to my current predicament. "Careful management of available resources" is more crucial now than I think I have ever known before; not to sound dramatic, but it's taken me too long to realize that this game is being played "for keeps."

Will I "not know what I have till I lose it?" Or will I keep it and continue onward, thankful it was there the whole time?

I'll keep you as up-to-date as I can.

Take care,
-Rich

Absence

I guess it has been a while, sorry about that. Things have really picked up for me, and I don't have as much time as I thought I'd have for things like blogging (here or on youtube).

I hope to have you caught up on things when I have time to just sit and stew over what's been going on. Maybe after work tonight. Hope everyone is doing well.

Take Care,
-Rich

Old Stuff, New Stuff

This last week home has been really weird, slow, and full.

Only a few things of particular interest have happened, but those things have been pretty substantial.

The first big thing was helping my Mom sift through the mezzanine of our quonset hut to find anything worth keeping, and throwing everything else in a dumpster. It was strange to see things I hadn't seen since we left the trailer in Chittenango. So many old memories. It was like searching a vault of time capsules. A bunch of stuff was surprisingly salvageable. I'll probably dedicate my video this weekend to showing off some of my old stuff. I'm really happy I was able to save a lot of it.

Some things, though, were not saved. My first teddy bear, amongst other stuffed animals were damaged from rats and bugs beyond saving. I saved most of my old beanie-baby collection; except for my old favorite.

He was the main hero of all my young adventures:Bear

I had to at least take a picture of him before I let him go. I couldn't get a picture of my first bear because he was so badly mangled. But he too will be sorely missed. I also lost "Big Brown-Bear," his place was usually to play the "wise old man" figure in my fantasies. AGain, no picture.

Of some new things going on, I tried a new vodka flavor: Cake. White Cake to be exact. It's made by UV, a brand I don't recall spending too much time with, but the brand I tried first when I first tried alcohol. But UV's Cake is dangerously tasty, and freakishly accurate to the taste of cake-batter.

Also, I ordered all of my books for my last semester coming up here soon...and I am now very painfully broke.

I got a new phone:

It's my first touchscreen device, and I'm still getting use to it. The most amazing thing to me is that it's still through TracFone.




Then there's this:

The Longstrike that I've been looking to get for some time. Early B-day present >:-3

I think that's about all I have in me to blab about today. I have to get to bed early to wake up at 5 tomorrow morning and work an epic shift. But after buying my books, I am in epic-need of moneys. So here it goes.

Take care,
-Rich

Friendly Apes

Today was interesting. I actually got to hang out with my Dad's Mom, who I call Nanny. She lives with us, and let me borrow her car for all of my practicing. She'll also be away for the weekend I'm leaving for school, so today was basically our day to do anything for my birthday (because she's a grandmother, and she likes to do stuff for her grand kids). So I told her that our old favorite "Dinner and a movie" sounded good.

We use to go and spend time with each other more often when I was younger. So it was really nice to be able to re-live that again. We went to see the new "Planet of the Apes" movie. I honestly thought it was a joke the first time I saw the trailer. Then as more trailers came out, I became more and more curious. Turns out I really liked it. More than I was prepared to. I also can't remember the last time I saw James Franco in something. I sort of knew Nanny would like it; it had that sci-fi action edge to it that she got me in to a while back.

Then we went to Friendly's and had dinner. We each had a different chicken melt. I got to try each; they were both fantastic.

That was about it. Other than tonight being my first time driving such a long distance in the dark (which made me accidentally cut someone off), not much else going on.

Having a drinky time, and playing video games.

I need to order my books soon. I need to find out what books I need first :-p

Then I need to make sure everything is clear for my living arrangements coming up in a week or so.

When all of the time seemed to have gone, what is left suddenly slows to a crawl. Is something coming?

Take care,
-Rich

Six Cylinder Serenade

That is all.


Take care,
-Rich

Staying Thirsty

I threw down $6 for this game called Tropico 3 and well...


I don't always make custom game avatars based on internet memes; but when I do...

 

 ...they kick ass

I like the pirate one the best.

But nothing has yet to top him wearing the General's Uniform (the 2nd down) and single-handedly putting down a rebelion...with a pistol. Why on Earth didn't I record that?!

Anyways, just wanted to share what I've done to honor one of my favorite internet memes.

Take care,

-Rich

Feeling like being obnoxious and making a nonsense post.

Spent some time on Gmod and made this:

I haven't used it in a long time, so I'm more than a but rusty. And unoriginal.

I've also started playing through Deus Ex again, this time trying not to kill or alert anyone. Going well so far. It's actually made it rather fun.

Alright, I'll be back once something interesting happens...maybe.

Take care,
-Rich

Game Time

If I may be permitted to have a nerd moment...

I'm am in distress. These next few months are host to some of the most anticipated release date I have never known. But without going too far into ALL of the things I'm looking forward to...I'll focus on just one for now. Then follow-up by telling you why I am in distress.

Deus Ex: Human Revolution

With a trailer like this, how could this game possible live up to it?

Tags: GameTrailers.com, Deus Ex: Human Revolution - CG Director's Cut Trailer HD, PC Games, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360

Seriously...A trailer like that, is way too good to allow any game to possibly match it. But the more I see of the gameplay and such that is coming out for this game, the more I'm thinking: "damn...that might not screw this up after all."

And damn, how chilling are those last words? "It's not the end of the world, but you can see it from here." Shit; gets me every time.

Additionally, this trailer is probably one of the most impressive I've ever seen for a game...mainly because it tries to make it personal. Check this out:

Tags: GameTrailers.com, Deus Ex: Human Revolution - SDCC 11: Purity First Propaganda Trailer HD, PC Games, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360

Now isn't that something? When was the last time you saw a game use live-action like that? And well? Guh...

I'm steadily gaining more and more faith that this will work out...but the more faith I give it, the more I realize I'm setting myself up to be let down.

So to help myself get things into perspective, I played through the original again and feel back in love with it. I just beat it about an hour or so ago.

If you've played it, then just with this you know how things turned out ;-)

Alright, I think that's about it. I just needed to get that out.

Take care,
-Rich

My place, Your time

My self-esteem does really weird things in my subconscious. Weird and cruel things: exactly what I've come to expect from it. Lately I've been waking up from dreams that are vague yet potent. I recall images of influential people in my life blaming me and getting upset with me in the way that I would get upset with myself.
Like: the things I typically criticize myself for, that my self-esteem feeds off of, my subconscious would make those things come out of the mouths of people I could actually be hurt by.
Understanding that a self-perception problem is as easy to dismiss as it is to perpetuate is one thing; because if you're the one doing it to yourself, you can be more introspective and work from there. But if you are given the impression that these rather personal and damaging things are being thrown at you by someone else (not to mention someone influential to you), it becomes a perceived external attack.
Once the damage is done, you feel as if you've been torn inside out.
I wake up with these feelings like I've not only let everyone down who was counting on me, but that I was never anything to them in the first place.
I guess this is why sleep has been weird for me lately. But when I'm tired, what else can I do but sleep? Now, those thoughts aren't the dominant portion of what I'm dreaming about, just usually the last thing I dream about right before I wake up.

Here's the most recent example:
-My Dad was upset with me for playing World of Warcraft, saying that it's why I'll amount to nothing. This made me feel completely and utterly defeated and destroyed inside. But here's the reality of it (what helps me overcome it, and bring myself back together):

-So far as I know, my Dad's never cared what games I play. And since I'm looking to pursue a future in games, I'd like to think he'd encourage my gaming variety to be bold and expansive.

-I don't play World of Warcraft. I never have. And I've personally never been interested. I've dipped my toes in the water of MMORPGs with smaller titles, and they didn't do much for me.

I think that's basically what happened the last time I woke up. There were others, but they were even more vague: I can't even remember who said it. It may also be a perceptual misgiving that these have been happening that often: maybe it was just this morning.

Nevertheless, it's left me with an icky sense of what my subconscious is capable of if I don't take care of it.

In other news, I've been doing something new these last couple weeks that's been rather pleasant: sleeping naked. I don't recall what exactly inspired me to start it, but I haven't turned back since (other than the few days I was away from home sleeping at someone else's place). It's going to be weird living with other people again, and having to be "social acceptable" most of the time.

A bunch of stuff coming up that I'm anxious for, and excited about. I do find myself in an awkward position of not really knowing how to proceed with respect to lining up future endeavors. Things just need to work out.

With some charm and dumb-luck I should pull through as I always have.

Take care,
-Rich

Additionally- Without fail, this continues to make me smile:

Hour Glass

Hold your panties...here's something completely different:



I'm a bit late on the draw with updating this regarding the trip, but honestly...the trip (for anyone who wasn't on it) can be safely summed up in this video:



For the other stuff: We had some nice drinky-time before the big move, drinky-time the night after the big move, and some more drinky-time the night before coming back home. This may explain why I've had a hard time adjusting to being back...but nevertheless, time with friends was well worth the exhaustion and funds.

I feel like something profound can be said about what I may have learned from this whole thing regarding the value of time and people and resources...but I'm honestly still too jet-lagged from road-tripping.

But it was interesting: to be a friend from somewhere else, with a shorter story, try and assist others who have much longer and deeper stories make the most of a common companion's last precious moments in her hometown. Sending her off to start a new story. I hope we worked well enough together to give her not only a memorable send-off, but also a much less stressful settling in to the change. Though most of that will be up to her.

I wonder how long it will be till I can get myself out of here. I don't have as deep-running of a history, or as intimate of a relationship with, the places I have so loosely referred to as "home." When and if I do leave, I don't think I'll feel much of anything. Even if I was given a token send-off; will leaving here really mark a change for my life? A mark that I can remember in the future as significant?

I suppose my concern isn't whether I will feel anything in leaving or not; but more, will anyone be hurt by my wanting to move-on? Will I hurt my friends and family who have stood by me all these years, helping me to feel at "home," if I leave and feel nothing?

I will say and do nothing in times of over-arching confusion and misunderstanding; moving and speaking only when some sense of familiarity is established. Is that inability to move or speak what it is to be afraid? Or am turning inward to defend my cowardice?

Please. Take care.

Some times...

...things just look like they were made for glory. Remember several posts ago when I said that I still look at the top 5 people that appear on my facebook friends list and imagine them as the people I'd be stuck with during a zombie apocalypse scenario? No? Maybe? Anyway, I'm about to leave for a big long trip and this morning's team was composed of my friends: Caitlin Campbell, Nick Hayes, Ari, Carlos, and Elliot Goodness. If I was stuck in a zombie apocalypse scenario with these people: WE WOULD OWN!

That is all. Be back next week.

Take care all,
-Etrius

Sexy Time

Have I yet to make Sexy Talk on here? I'm not sure, I don't re-read a lot of my stuff, so let's have sexy-talk time today. By "Sexy Talk," I mean talk of my apparently indecisive sexuality.

If this already sounds like it's going to be a bit too sticky for some of you, then by all means, please move along. Today we make with the sexy talk.

So, if you're not hip to my social life, I've basically been indecision about my sexual preferences for the past couple years. I believe I may have touched on this in one of my videos, or something...I'm not sure. But I'm a bit more certain that I haven't put it in textual form yet, so I'll take it from the top.

A couple years ago, I ended a relationship that left me curious about my sexuality. I won't go into the details, but I began to think that maybe I was only pursuing heterosexual relationships because I wanted to fit-in with the rest of the hetero-normal culture. I figured that if I truly wanted heterosexual relations, then I wouldn't question it. So did this mean I was gay? I thought it did for about a month. Then the confusion must have reached some sort of breaking point inside me and I realized that I did in-fact feel differently about men and women; and I soon became all-together turned off to the idea of preferring one over the other. So I declared myself Asexual for a few months.

Basically just throwing the whole sexuality thing aside for a time. NOT thinking about it was apparently exactly what I needed. During the time I declared "asexuality" it's not like I stopped having sexual thoughts and feelings. So as time went on, I knew I was only lying to myself.

At some point, I just had to be honest with myself. So, as it is; I suppose I'm more or less comfortable saying that I am Bisexual. I guess what I was most afraid of was the label: bisexual. Society has a lot of assumptions it likes to make about people with particular labels, and I never liked that. So, instead of actually assuming the label of "bisexual" for myself; I'll just define how I particularly feel, in a general way.

I can feel physically comfortable with guys more easily: probably because I am one; and exploring another leaves fewer mysteries, helping me feel more secure. While it takes me a bit more to be physically comfortable with women, I tend to find the experience more enjoyable: the exploration of dissimilar parts oft reaps sweater rewards.

As far as physicality is concerned, there seems to be more variety in women, than in men; or at least so far as I've noticed.

Do I have a type? Not that I can really tell, it just sort of sneaks up on me when I'm least expecting it. I can always admire athletic and healthy people's shapes: appreciating their hard work; but not always feel sexually inclined towards them. Skin tones also seem to come and go with regards to attractiveness.

Relationships/dating? I don't expressly think a "couple" is necessary for an enjoyable and worthwhile sexual experience. I sympathize with the fact that sexual relations with a significant other represent a more fulfilling culmination of mutual feelings; but I also accept the notion that sexual nature is not something that is healthy to suppress, if healthy release is a viable option. If a situation is right, then allow it to happen naturally.

As far as what is "appropriate conduct," I will leave to the discretion of those who care to discuss.

But I think that's about all of the major points of "Sexy Talk" time for today. I love sex discussions, so for anyone who actually reads this; feel free to speak up :)

Questions and so forth are also welcome.

Take care,

Nukin' Duke

Just in the last several hours I've been really attracted to the idea of just saying things in my best impression of Duke Nukem's voice. No, I don't like Duke Nukem. But saying things in his voice makes them hilarious. Not just the normal things either. Like:

"...pisses me off!"

or

"... is ... as hell!"

but also things like:

"I just pooped my pants!"

Those first two are fantastic, because I can just insert whatever I want into them and say it in Duke's voice to make it relevant to any situation. Some of my favorites have been:

-"Buying insurance pisses me off!"
-"I'm confused as hell!"

While I'm running away from something chasing me: "I think I pissed it off!"

I'm on my second big mug of coffee...and it's been a great several hours...let's keep this going

Take care,

P.S.- If you can come up with any "Duke" quotes of your own, please share!

Words, Sounds, and Colors

It's not often that I actually enjoy listening to a love-themed song. I've been particularly taken by "My Hands" from Leona Lewis. In particular, I'm taken by the chorus:

"(My hands) don't wanna start again
(My hands) no they don't wanna understand
(My hands) they just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find
(My hands) they only agree to hold
(Your hands) and they don't wanna be without
(Your hands) and they will not let me go
No they will not let me go"

In the right (or wrong) mood, this song can bring me to tears. I sort of hate that about getting close to certain people. It makes me (or a part of me) dependent on them to function normally. I think the fear of uncontrollable dependence is what has kept me away from relationships for so long now. Getting close to people in that way brings out a weakness in me that I don't know how to handle. This has even repulsed me from having feelings for people, or at least feelings deeper than physical ones.

In other matters, this video a friend of mine showed me expresses to me raw creativity. Watching and listening to it is as if I am on drugs. Please, enjoy:



That's about all for this one.
Take care,

Hammer Time

I never like having to pick "favorites" with anything. But if I was ever asked what my "favorite" song was, I'd have to answer with three. And in no particular order:
-Welcome to the Black Parade
-Paradise by the Dashboard Light
-Scenes from an Italian Restaurant

So there.

In less-than-related news, I keep watching the Harry Potter Deathly Hallows part 2 trailers. Not so much because they're good trailers (which they are), or that I really want to see the movie (which I do), it's just so I can hear Voldemort going "NYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!" over and over again.





Take care,

Time In!

Okay, laundry's done, coffee's wearing off, and I have to deal with 400 lacrosse kids for two more days. At least till next week; then I don't know what I'm up against. This infinitely faster paced cafe work is actually proving to be way more interesting and enjoyable. It's hecktic and crazy; and if one thing goes wrong then everything else is liable to get messed up. I love it.

Other than that, not too much is going on; I don't really have time for too much else TO be going on. Hopefully something interesting will happen this weekend.

Take care,

Time Out

Okay, I need to do laundry after I get back home tonight: I'm out of boxers and forced to wear briefs; my nuts can't take it!

Take Care,

to recycle in Grimdox

Before you get any cute ideas, I'm not going to be talking about sustainability and the like. As much as I support it all, my title is trying to refer more to recycling in the sense of internal personal recycling.

Uh oh, Rick's about to go on another one of his philosophical/psychological tirades...hold on to your tits and balls, it'll be fine. I'm going to try and keep this as practical as possible.

I guess this will be going off of my last post with regards to wanting to "make my brain work more efficiently" (or however I worded it). Well, in trying to make my mind a more respectable place to spend time in, I figure I should "clean up" its junk. By "clean up" I of course mean recycle. Or, at best, re-purpose. And by "junk" I mean the stuff I had mentioned that, otherwise, never sees the light of day. To this end, I'm going to attempt to explore other forms of "creativity dump." But I would like to find a way to "dump" that would actually serve a meaningful purpose to me; like art. I guess when I say meaningful, I also mean like a portfolio; or something.

So I've been meaning to get back in to writing for a while now, and more than just little ideas and stuff. I mean I want to get back in to creating worlds and people and situations. I miss that. My problem is that when I have an idea of something I would like to create in written form, it changes in the middle of my attempting to write it. Which reminds me of physics and how much I wasn't particularly good at it. But anyway...yeah. I think what I should do to at least help alleviate some of that difficulty is to just carry a notepad with me (which I think would be good form for anyone). I try to take my camera with me everywhere, just in case; but it's really only for those moments that you would normally wish you had a camera for and didn't. I need to start looking around for ways to better express creativity through my surroundings. Even if what I do has nothing, in particular, to do with the "junk" in my head, I think it'll be healthy to seriously explore as many creativity dumps as I can manage. Especially in these times of...nothing.

"Nothing" as in I have too much free time. Work finally called me for some time next week; but who knows if that will be the only time they call me all Summer. So needless to say, I'm looking for some ways to help explore and initiate some self-improvement. And I figure the most effective, and satisfying, way to explore self-improvement is by trying to recycle some of my "junk" and buildup in to creative expression.

One form that I've been trying to keep up on, and keep interesting, is my youtube channel where I try to post weekly videos of some things I found interesting to me.

Another is this blog, doing the same, but in written form; allowing for me to provide a more literal ocmmentary of my life and things.

I also have a private blog for personal things; because if anything is important to keep in good health, it's the personal stuff.

So, in the future I hope I'm not afraid to explore more interesting ways to express myself. I am, of course, open for ideas.

Take care,

Time Frame

Fixing myself a cup of coffee and I'm thinking: "I'd like to get back in to blogging more seriously." In the realm of, something intellectually satisfying. But in truth, I've had little to no intellectual satisfaction as of late.
Talking with one of my friends recently, we both came to the conclusion that we were just sort of waiting the the "next shit to happen." Now, speaking for myself, I know all I need to do is initiate something; a hobby for example. I also have plenty of books on my shelf that I would like to get back in to, if only so I can said I finished them. But when it comes to figuring out how to practice the difference between practical living and...well...impractical living, I've decided I'm just an intellectual with commitment issues.

I am also saying that without really knowing what an "intellectual" is; an intellectual to me is someone who spends more time focusing on things inside rather than outside his/her head. For better or for worse. And I say that I am one with commitment issues because sometimes, I truly feel dumb. Dumb, and immature, far beneath my potential. While this may be true in a very general respect, and healthy on a more honest one, I don't like it. I know it's good to let your mind relax every so often; I just don't like that feeling of preforming at a cognitive level far under what I've done before.

I think it may just be a self-conscious thing; the fear of being tested intellectually at a moment when I'm less-than-optimal. Maybe that's why I'm tired so often. And not physically tired; I found out the hard way that it takes a lot to wear me down physically (ie. tearing some muscles). But the kind of tired when your brain just doesn't care to process anything anymore; I've been like that for some time now.

Am I overusing  or misusing semicolons?

Most of the work my brain is doing is just over analyzing a potential situation before it happens, and over criticizing things that have already happened. On a personal level though. Or selfish; pick one. I keep figuring how I could or should go about something. But the main problem is that almost none of the work done gets to see the light of day; it all just stays in my head. Which I'm sure can be the explanation for plenty of my problems, but mainly those that involve my future.

I know what I'd like to do, but I have no idea how I would go about it. Not just career-wise, but living-wise and social-wise too.

As far as work is concerned: I know what I'm good at; I just don't know how to capitalize on it.

As far as living is concerned: I know I would like a a lot of space and privacy; I just don't like not being close to "things" like essential services and friends. I like the idea, and simplicity of an apartment; though apartments don't usually come with a good sense of privacy.

As far as social stuff is concerned for the future: I'm not really sure. I figure as it stands, so long as I have good close friends, what do I need a relationship for? In essence, I don't know what they mean to me; giving me no real desire for them.

I think I just need to learn to relax my head more, and more efficiently use it's energy. Now to just get on that...(?)

Take care,

The Poison of Time

So, yeah, this happened:

and this...

 

and this

 

this was good too

The second road trip out to see a friend in the last couple weeks. I don't really miss home, but I think it'd be healthy (for my bank account) to just sit still for a while. I'm still sore from the beach. I still miss being in house of a friend, and considered family. I was never peed on though; that's a bit disappointing.

I was wet and nekkid on more occasions than originally planned; but I'm not complaining ;-)



































Ode to the Soggy Commando Triumvirate

I love these people for the time they let me spend with them, but I hate them for how much they make me miss them and how much it hurts <3

Take care,

The Ill-usion

Goodness, a concept of time has slipped my senses again. Though I seem to be keeping better track of things than usual. I only really lack initiative.

The problem with memory is that it's dynamic. It will change with us. Not only how we remember, but also what we remember.

Lately, I've been searching my memory for signs of whether or not someone was being truthful. I have my own gimmicks for determining a person's legitimacy, roughly based around how I would BS a situation. So we're starting with an already broken method for filtering legitimacy. But, on top of that, my memory was of a time when I was drinking. AND, I have powerful personal biases for how I would like the situation I am remembering to have been.

The core of the problem for me seems to be, or at least the part I would like to think is the core, is my indecisive record-keeping. I'm not going to use alcohol as an excuse. And I do not plan on going in to some philosophical tirade that discusses the implications of false memories (Inception-style).

As far as I'm concerned, memories are inherently unreliable, as records of realty, from the moment they are created. Now I'm saying that based on a sliding scale of accuracy: obviously more recent and potent memories will be more accurate, and reliable, than others. I also take in to account that some people, probably based on a combination of early development and genetics, have different ways of remembering things. But the general problem seems to be that people will use their memories to form conclusions about their futures. Now take a breathe, I'm absolutely in agreement with "who we were, makes who we are." I'm not shooting that down, or criticizing it. But what's been bugging me, in my pursuit of past legitimacy, is the idea that spending too much time thinking about a memory may have altered it beyond any salvageable amount of authenticity. From there, not only will I be working with, effectively, stale and corrupted ingredients but I may make the further error of drawing a conclusion from it and assimilating it in to my future.

So, how do you stop it? How do you know when enough searching is too much? What is legitimacy if our only torch lighting our path, marching towards the dark unknown of the future, is our messy memories? Writing stuff down, for one, helps. Pictures are nice too. Other forms of external memory/record-keeping make things easier. Each other. My scrambled memories, if nothing else, stand to prove to me that moving forward is not something I should do alone; or for all I know, could do.

Memories. The future. The Now. What do I really want with it? I just want it to work. I think I have a hard time figuring out what I actually want in anything because I tend to be too isolated: I have too vague and colorless a sense of relativity and need more exposure to more colorful forms of relativity. I try too hard to not ask for help, or even look for it, when I really should. Pride, or arrogance, is something I feel like I need to come to terms with and sort out before I make too many other major decisions.

If anything, I fear not being who I'd like to think I am. I want to be more confident and in control of myself. I don't want to have to second-guess everything about me, and fear that the life I've created is something forged from an endless and convoluted history of preventable slip-ups.

Before I go back and sift through my memories for something useful again, especially a memory involving another person, I should consult things outside of my own head. Rely less on theories, and more on facts. Good advise for anyone; but in the eye of the beholder, it's easier said(understood) than done(committed to).

Take care,
-Etrius

Time is on our side

For starters; I just woke up, and stayed awake, from a 16-ish hour sleeping session. I crashed at about 9 last night, and woke up again at around 2 to feed my cat, then woke up again to a text, then finally got out of bed at about 1PM. I don't think I've ever slept that long and I'm, quite frankly, worried. I mean, I was tired yesterday because I had to get up early to accompany my Mom to her doctor's appointment at around 7:30AM or so. Instead of napping when I got back at around noon, I decided to call up a friend to hang out. Then I went to my Sister's concert. I literally just took a shower and went to bed once we got back. Concert was good, btw.

I'm not in to Facebook apps or games in any serious way, especially those silly questionnaire things that only stand to remind me of my myspace days. However, this one thing stuck in my mind from a post a friend made a long time ago that went something like: "Look at the top five people on your friend's list; it's the zombie apocalypse, are you screwed?" Now, every time I go on to my profile page, I look at the top five friends that come up and think: "if I was stuck with these five people during a zombie apocalypse, how would we do?" I can't stop thinking that every time now. Some times, it's turned out pretty well: I was given a group of friends that I think it would actually be enjoyable to be in that situation with, on top of being able to hold out. Other times, I think: "Wow, we wouldn't last a day." Then there are other times when the arrangement would be in such a way where I think: "Well, we probably wouldn't make it very long, but we'd go out in an orgy." One more way Facebook wastes my time.

I still fake my age on those video-things that ask for your age because it's either mature or "R" rated content. I've been old enough to not fake my age for a while now but it's just quicker for me to select, at least on the drop-down versions, the first day of the first month on the year that my scroll wheel lands on.

I was going to describe my concept of God to finish this post off, then decided not to on account of it probably being too long.
Then I decided I'll go ahead with it anyways, because my concept of God is pretty simple to describe. For starters, I only refer to it as "God" when speaking about it to others, because it is my equivalent to the general public's "God." I don't really have any special name for it, nor do I worship it or have any particular rituals to show my belief to it. I simply respect it for what it is, and respect that it will always be there; controlling everything, as it always has been. My concept of "God" is Time.
So, when I think of what "God" is, I think of it based on what other concepts of God have shown me "God" to be: something that has been there since the beginning and will continue to be till the end of everything, it creates and destroys, and it can never really be measured. Based on these; I have decided, for myself that if I were to consider anything an "all-powerful, omnipresent, and omniscient" thing, it would be Time.
Upon further intellectual inspection, with respect to the religious community, my perspective may come off as the "lazy" way to conceive "God." Or, that other forms of the concept require "faith." Now, I'll admit I don't know too much about "faith," and in common-speak I can't say I have too much "faith" in too many things. I accept that I can't understand everything all of the time, so I tend to delegate unknowns to "hope" and "luck;" which is just my way of making the world easier to live in. But the kind of "faith" that most other concepts of "God" require take a lot of personal investment. I'm just the kind of person, and mind, that feels like what I have of me to invest in to anything (like "faith)" is best utilized by "investing accordingly." Or, I'll spend myself when and where I feel like my life needs it the most.
And as I said before, my masochistic tendencies are my effective "wrench" in the gears. I will also say that I truly am happy for my, otherwise, religious friends and the happiness that their respective religions give them. A good head on your shoulders should see you through most anything, or at least improve your odds.

In unrelated news, Kevin managed to get the sound to work on RE5 again, so I switched the color back on and...we couldn't even get a "SS" rank. Guess we should try it in silent-film mode next time.

Take care,

To Collect Debts in Full

Okay, I suppose I should start with this "couple things" announcement, just because it's my preferred way to break things down. The main difference being that I do not know how many pieces this one will consist of: so it may take a while. This one's also going to be pretty heavy, so brace yourself.

Small stuff first; or, stuff that's inherently good first. I was out and about to deliver a bomb when I ran in to my high school friend Jacey who was on her way to the mall with her brother and sister. I gave her a big hug. She, among many others, graduated this Spring. She'll also be working at the Ren Fair this Summer: count me jealous.

As for the not-so-good stuff, I'll start light. On my bike, I have an extra cushion, given to me by my friend John. The cushion...numbs me. Or, more specifically, it puts things to sleep. And no, I'm not saying "things" in place of testicles; everything down there just falls asleep on this cushion after too long. I forgot this, and about 15 minutes out, I noticed I couldn't feel my penis; so I sit up a bit. I begin to regain feeling in it, but in the way that you regain feeling in, say, your arm or leg after they fall asleep. That's right...the tingles. And not the good ones. The taser-powered pop-rocks tingles. And like anything else, movement made it worse, so I just coasted a bit till everything was back.

Oh yes, and there were plenty of dead turtles on the sides of the roads; like, an unusual amount of them. I found this interesting because this is following a story my Dad was telling me about yesterday, when he encountered a snapping turtle in our yard. That time of the year, I guess?

-------------------------------------------------

Okay, I'm going to try and maintain some semblance of decency with this while being as completely honest as I can. I'm not sure how to word it. I have some things going through my head, that have forced me to write some things in this blog. Those things provoked the attention of someone I haven't talked to in a while. About 2 years. We've not communicated due to our respective personal lives to cater to, rather than whatever could have been between us. I'd like to think the distance has done us some good. My issue is, I don't know how to handle it any more. We are each rather particular people, in that, we each have a way about us that demands a specific set of standards to deal with respectably: especially when dealing with each other. This particularity worked wonders that neither of us could have imagined when we first met, and for what it's worth, I think we each needed it. "It" meaning whatever it was that we created. But we developed differently. We took something different from the thing we created and, in-turn, became different things ourselves. I think the major divide came between us when those two things we became, no longer needed one another in order to satisfy. The underlying "connection" was surely something to fight for in and of itself, but it needed to be re-designed: we're not who we were. This isn't me saying "goodbye," prematurely; it's me begging the question: "to what end?"

Next thing, my personal issue with promises and honesty. Yes, they are directly related to the same thing. Some time ago, I made a promise to myself that I would not lie to my friends. That's the simple end of it. Now, I made this promise a long time ago, and I think I've only held on to it for so long because I don't have any other particular beliefs or habits I can call my own. Unfortunately, as I grew up with it over my head, I learned to approach it like a lawyer looking for a loophole. To this day, I can not recall explicitly lying to a friend, but I have found ways to liberally interpret what "friend" and "truth" mean to me. The most deliberate way for any sensible person to look at "honesty" is that though honesty may oft be the best policy, there are levels of appropriate honesty that vary with circumstance. Especially in "normal" society. In situations when I find nothing fruitful to give to the context verbally, I just won't say anything.
This may also be due, in part, to my general difficulty finding the most appropriate words for...anything. Other than academic essays, I generally re-read, and re-think, everything I've written, or said several times over. But what this is coming to is; I feel like I'm sinking myself lower and lower until I no longer consider anyone a "friend" and relegate everything to vague and inhuman terms.
The moral of the story is: to be a human, among other humans, is to not live by absolute principles; to do otherwise, would be to unmake one's self as a human. My perspective is that even "human" is a relative term; one whose vagaries can be weaponized by the otherwise inhuman. And it is through this weaponization of terms that I have inadvertently hurt not only myself, by stunting my personal development, but also my "friends," by giving them only pieces of a person.
I suppose where I am now, is trying to get back in touch with the rest of me: trying to feel more human without talking around it, and just try to be respectable to others. How hard I'll try to do this, is tough to say. I know what I want, but my otherwise masochistic tenancies may have something else to say about personal improvement. Be well, all.
Take care,

Lost Time

Well, the party was fun, from what I can remember. I drank myself stupid for most of it, which surprised even me. The drive was pretty brutal, though the company made it bearable.

I come back to an offer for driving lessons, I accepted of course. What ever was left of my self-esteem I am throwing a goodbye party for this week. I know I'm a few years late on this whole license thing. I never claimed to be above confidence issues, especially when it came to things like driving. After failing my first two road tests 3 or so years ago, I acquired something akin to anxiety towards driving. So I'm going for broke, and plan to just roll on through it; hopefully with a driver's license once all is said and done.

I was this close to having my own place, and not living here.

Of course the taste of fruit would make me want it more; want it more, as I stare in disbelief that it wasn't already mine.

Take care,
-Rich

6/3/11 YouTube Post

Check this out, let me know what you think...

Take care,

Mercenary Love

First, some things that have been going on; Second, some some stuff that's been on my mind.

Yesterday, which feels like today, since my sleep schedule's been off, was host to much in a short amount of time. One of my friends came over to hang out for a bit, initially so we could drink, talk and watch a movie; instead, it turned in to drinking, video games, and Bocci. Good enough. Our drink of choice was Guinness, which has become our preferred drink for social occasions. Our game of choice was Resident Evil 5 Mercenaries Reunion, an old past-time of ours. Our previous high score was 699K, achieved last Fall. If you're not sure what sense of scale to use in determining whether or not that is a lot, the game itself assigns grades based on score; the highest grade possible is a "SS," requiring a minimum of 150K. Needless to say, after a Guinness and a Monster each, Kevin and I were more than ready to finally kiss 700K. By our third try or so, we did it. Nuff said.

After that, we just talked a bit about things going on with me and junk. Then we figured that if it wasn't too hot out, we should play a game of Bocci; it wasn't, so we did. Kevin won.

Some time after he left, my new speakers arrived. I had to order new ones after my originals stopped working because my friend's computer broke them (not really). I still can't figure out what happened to them, they just stopped working after I used them for a movie-night thing on a friend's laptop. Anyway, I'm still getting use to how AWESOME these new speakers are. I've never owned a sub-woofer before, and it's down-firing; my room is earthquakes and thunder storms all of the time now...I'm happy. From there, I went to sleep at about 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I woke up at about 10 or so, and that is why I feel like today is, at least to some degree, yesterday.

Now, as for my second thing, I wanted to talk about "love." I put it in quotes, if anything, to best represent my view of it. But more importantly, I'd like to know what other people think of it. I feel that it, like other categories of expression, is entirely interpretive. This may seem like an, otherwise, obvious thing to some; but what of the view that sees love as an objective thing? I've only recently come to the crossroad of re-opening my eyes to the possibility that they are both correct; they each represent something inherent to the differences in people with respect to how they can differ in their feelings of "love." Or, that "love," and how it can be viewed, is another caricature of the human condition that people seem to utilize to better accept the world around them. The manner in which it is utilized depends entirely on the purpose for which it must serve.

This is, of course, just how I feel. I wish I could put that in to better words, but I'm a bit tired at the moment and would like to leave this open for outside input. I would greatly enjoy an intelligent dialogue on the subject.

I think I need a nap for now. Please leave some feedback for this one.
Take care,

Down from an Expected High; High from an Expected Low

So the storm was...less-than fatal. In fact, we didn't even lose power, I was disappointed. However, my friend Kevin came along on a family trip to my Godmother's camp; picking me up considerably. Got a lot of exercise in the water too; I haven't actually been submerged in that much water in a long time.

In other matters, I ordered a new set of speakers for my computer; this time, a 2.1 system. Which means it has a sub-woofer; I am ecstatic.

I am rather exhausted from today, so I'll leave you with a great pic I took before I go nap.

Take care,

Not Time Yet: cook it longer, and add seasoning

I tend to only like a couple songs from any given preferred artist. Panic! At the Disco, in addition to having an adorable lead singer, has this song called "Ready to Go" with this one segment that goes: "I think I'm ready, I think I know I'm ready I know, I think I'm ready, I think I know I'm ready I know..." that I really dig tonight. Guess I'm just in the mood for repetition.

Apparently a major storm is heading this way: looking like a wall of lightning on the weather channel. So I need to not be on my computer. Hopefully I'll get to have some fun tomorrow, provided this storm doesn't kill everything.

If you were up to anything this weekend, hopefully you enjoyed it; being a holiday and all...or something. I'll check back tomorrow night or so.
Take care,

No Up-time Without Down-time

Three things:
     First,
I just finished some brutal and delicious wings. My Mom ended up making some wings, so I decided to make my own sauce for them, and I suffered for it (it was great). Here's the recipe for the sauce I made:
-2 pts Rhino Peri-Peri sauce
-1 pt A&W BBQ Sauce
-1 pt Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ Sauce
-1 pt Wasabi
-1 pt Spicy Mustard
-.5 pts Soy Sauce
-.5 pts Mayonnaise
-1-2 drops Mad Dog .38 Special
My tummy hurts, my mouth and lips are still burning, and my throat feels like it was finished throwing up (after-burn). I recommend it, though, if you like hot stuff.
     Second,
The "Time Toupée" is an ancient artifact of great and mysterious power. It comes and goes at will, choosing its wearer. One time it chose a host that didn't even need a toupée.
     Third,
I'm sure most people tend to deal with trying to be a certain way that, at least in part, deviates from their normal self on a regular basis. Sadly, most people don't notice that they're doing it; they've turned it in to second nature. As sad as it may seem to think that most people are being passive about what really boils down to "everyday bullshitting," is it perhaps better than being able to recognize it? I'm not going to try and argue for "ignorance is bliss" or anything but I feel like the deeper (more critically) you look, while maintaining full awareness of what is happening, the farther removed you will become from your self.

Stop and take a moment to smell the bullshit. My bullshit. I'm being critical of myself here. I hate taking my interest in sociology too far. My real problem is that I feel like in noticing people's masks, I try them on to test their results. Like a different form of "monkey see, monkey do." Trying to be something else can be harmless enough on its own, but when you (I) lose track of not only how many masks are being worn at a given time but why they were being tried on in the first place you can easily forget yourself (myself).

I'm dancing around it and being dramatic. I don't know how to approach something. Something that I should have learned how to approach a long time ago. I have a few masks that could work, but the more I rely on these "characters" and "personas" the further behind I'm going to be on a personal-growth level. I'm just afraid that when I decide to do something about it, I'm going to either sell-out and use a mask (a victory I couldn't enjoy, should success be met at all) or muck it up horribly because the only way my genuine self can handle anything is through cowardly childish methods (because my unmasked self hasn't grown enough yet). If honesty truly is the best policy, I may just have to go-for-broke and hope for the best. The honest method unsettles me in another way though: even if I am to approach this situation honestly; who am I, to be so selfish, to dump the responsibility of dealing with, and understanding, my personal inadequacies on someone else? I understand I need to look out for my own interests every so often; in most cases the approach would be composed of an agreeable middle-ground between the interests of the subject, and interests of the Interested: I can't ignore the interests of the other party. Then again, I could just do nothing.

These insecurities sound, to me, like something I should have dealt with years ago. Am I wrong? Any advice?

Take care,

Out of times, Out of Places

Before anything happens, I'll say that the title is simultaneously irrelevant and the limit of my creative capacity for this blog.

I haven't had a written blog in a while. A sudden abundance of time has inspired me to start up again. I'd like to make this regular if I can afford it, and I'm not sure what the exact content will be yet; I'd like to leave it open. I already keep a relatively regular show up on youtube that I try to post to every Saturday here: www.youtube.com/eyesofetrius
I also occasionally post video game footage of some of the games I enjoy. I may do that again some time soon.
Additionally, since this is my first post here, I may as well make you privy to my other internet stomping grounds:
Facebook- http://www.facebook.com/EtriusVitae
Twitter- http://twitter.com/EyesofEtrius
deviantART- http://void-eater.deviantart.com/


I think that's all of them. I'll throw more in if I remember them in the future. I wanted to go on a tirade of recent event BS, but I'd like this to be more interesting than that (unless something interesting actually happens).
So I'll just list off some stuff about me: so you can better determine now if I'm worth sticking with. I didn't plan this out ahead of time, so I'll just be making this up as it goes along.

This should be exceptionally liberating:

-I feel like I have an otherwise indeterminate maturity level
-I have an indeterminate sexuality (I keep moving amongst being asexual, bisexual, and the others)
-I'm beginning to find what kinds of alcohol I actually like, making my drinking experiences much more enjoyable (Rum, Vodka, and Guinness fyi)
-It's not that I don't like sports and racing games, I just haven't found any that I could really get in to. Besides that, I can enjoy most every kind of game, I just need to be in the mood
-I'm not a big TV person, though I enjoy some shows, I never actually go out of my way to watch them; they're usually on while someone else is watching them (lucky me)
-My music and movie preferences are annoyingly liberal: I hate when someone asks me what kinds of movies or music I like. I can never give anyone a clear answer. Which I think is actually healthy on a personal level, just not a social one
-I generally prefer books that either provoke new ways of thinking or are based on something else I would otherwise be familiar with (games mostly)
-I thoroughly enjoy muted-color button-down shirts, with a tie and pants to match
-I am hypocritical in my opinion of breasts (usually)
-The penis, give or take the scrotum, truly does ruin what could be an admirable aesthetic
-I truly do feel like nothing is taboo, which I am personally rather disgusted by
-I have a harder time trusting people taller than me
-I have never tried on women's clothing (that I can recall; I may have when I was little)
-I find that, though I have no personal belief structure, thanking God and exclaiming "Jesus!" are too fun to give up having grown up in an American society
-Testing the combustibility of things is an old past-time of mine
-I tend to enjoy the company of other people's animals (as I do other people's children); mainly because I envy the simplicity of their lives, and have no desire to have children of my own
-I enjoy being ridiculous in public with otherwise "normal" company, so that I look like the crazy-person they must keep an eye on
- I firmly believe that what you want to eat, how you want to approach that which is greater than us, and how you prefer to get off is your business and we should not have labels for such things: the misuse of labels has only promoted the confusion and denial of what could otherwise be our true potential as sentient beings.

I think that's a good place to stop. I'll probably drop by again when I'm bored. Hope I piqued your interest, and you come back again.

Till next time; take care, and good riddance