Talking with one of my friends recently, we both came to the conclusion that we were just sort of waiting the the "next shit to happen." Now, speaking for myself, I know all I need to do is initiate something; a hobby for example. I also have plenty of books on my shelf that I would like to get back in to, if only so I can said I finished them. But when it comes to figuring out how to practice the difference between practical living and...well...impractical living, I've decided I'm just an intellectual with commitment issues.
I am also saying that without really knowing what an "intellectual" is; an intellectual to me is someone who spends more time focusing on things inside rather than outside his/her head. For better or for worse. And I say that I am one with commitment issues because sometimes, I truly feel dumb. Dumb, and immature, far beneath my potential. While this may be true in a very general respect, and healthy on a more honest one, I don't like it. I know it's good to let your mind relax every so often; I just don't like that feeling of preforming at a cognitive level far under what I've done before.
I think it may just be a self-conscious thing; the fear of being tested intellectually at a moment when I'm less-than-optimal. Maybe that's why I'm tired so often. And not physically tired; I found out the hard way that it takes a lot to wear me down physically (ie. tearing some muscles). But the kind of tired when your brain just doesn't care to process anything anymore; I've been like that for some time now.
Am I overusing or misusing semicolons?
Most of the work my brain is doing is just over analyzing a potential situation before it happens, and over criticizing things that have already happened. On a personal level though. Or selfish; pick one. I keep figuring how I could or should go about something. But the main problem is that almost none of the work done gets to see the light of day; it all just stays in my head. Which I'm sure can be the explanation for plenty of my problems, but mainly those that involve my future.
I know what I'd like to do, but I have no idea how I would go about it. Not just career-wise, but living-wise and social-wise too.
As far as work is concerned: I know what I'm good at; I just don't know how to capitalize on it.
As far as living is concerned: I know I would like a a lot of space and privacy; I just don't like not being close to "things" like essential services and friends. I like the idea, and simplicity of an apartment; though apartments don't usually come with a good sense of privacy.
As far as social stuff is concerned for the future: I'm not really sure. I figure as it stands, so long as I have good close friends, what do I need a relationship for? In essence, I don't know what they mean to me; giving me no real desire for them.
I think I just need to learn to relax my head more, and more efficiently use it's energy. Now to just get on that...(?)
Take care,
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