Like: the things I typically criticize myself for, that my self-esteem feeds off of, my subconscious would make those things come out of the mouths of people I could actually be hurt by.
Understanding that a self-perception problem is as easy to dismiss as it is to perpetuate is one thing; because if you're the one doing it to yourself, you can be more introspective and work from there. But if you are given the impression that these rather personal and damaging things are being thrown at you by someone else (not to mention someone influential to you), it becomes a perceived external attack.
Once the damage is done, you feel as if you've been torn inside out.
I wake up with these feelings like I've not only let everyone down who was counting on me, but that I was never anything to them in the first place.
I guess this is why sleep has been weird for me lately. But when I'm tired, what else can I do but sleep? Now, those thoughts aren't the dominant portion of what I'm dreaming about, just usually the last thing I dream about right before I wake up.
Here's the most recent example:
-My Dad was upset with me for playing World of Warcraft, saying that it's why I'll amount to nothing. This made me feel completely and utterly defeated and destroyed inside. But here's the reality of it (what helps me overcome it, and bring myself back together):
-So far as I know, my Dad's never cared what games I play. And since I'm looking to pursue a future in games, I'd like to think he'd encourage my gaming variety to be bold and expansive.
-I don't play World of Warcraft. I never have. And I've personally never been interested. I've dipped my toes in the water of MMORPGs with smaller titles, and they didn't do much for me.
I think that's basically what happened the last time I woke up. There were others, but they were even more vague: I can't even remember who said it. It may also be a perceptual misgiving that these have been happening that often: maybe it was just this morning.
Nevertheless, it's left me with an icky sense of what my subconscious is capable of if I don't take care of it.
In other news, I've been doing something new these last couple weeks that's been rather pleasant: sleeping naked. I don't recall what exactly inspired me to start it, but I haven't turned back since (other than the few days I was away from home sleeping at someone else's place). It's going to be weird living with other people again, and having to be "social acceptable" most of the time.
A bunch of stuff coming up that I'm anxious for, and excited about. I do find myself in an awkward position of not really knowing how to proceed with respect to lining up future endeavors. Things just need to work out.
With some charm and dumb-luck I should pull through as I always have.
Take care,
-Rich
Additionally- Without fail, this continues to make me smile:
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