Okay, I suppose I should start with this "couple things" announcement, just because it's my preferred way to break things down. The main difference being that I do not know how many pieces this one will consist of: so it may take a while. This one's also going to be pretty heavy, so brace yourself.
Small stuff first; or, stuff that's inherently good first. I was out and about to deliver a bomb when I ran in to my high school friend Jacey who was on her way to the mall with her brother and sister. I gave her a big hug. She, among many others, graduated this Spring. She'll also be working at the Ren Fair this Summer: count me jealous.
As for the not-so-good stuff, I'll start light. On my bike, I have an extra cushion, given to me by my friend John. The cushion...numbs me. Or, more specifically, it puts things to sleep. And no, I'm not saying "things" in place of testicles; everything down there just falls asleep on this cushion after too long. I forgot this, and about 15 minutes out, I noticed I couldn't feel my penis; so I sit up a bit. I begin to regain feeling in it, but in the way that you regain feeling in, say, your arm or leg after they fall asleep. That's right...the tingles. And not the good ones. The taser-powered pop-rocks tingles. And like anything else, movement made it worse, so I just coasted a bit till everything was back.
Oh yes, and there were plenty of dead turtles on the sides of the roads; like, an unusual amount of them. I found this interesting because this is following a story my Dad was telling me about yesterday, when he encountered a snapping turtle in our yard. That time of the year, I guess?
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Okay, I'm going to try and maintain some semblance of decency with this while being as completely honest as I can. I'm not sure how to word it. I have some things going through my head, that have forced me to write some things in this blog. Those things provoked the attention of someone I haven't talked to in a while. About 2 years. We've not communicated due to our respective personal lives to cater to, rather than whatever could have been between us. I'd like to think the distance has done us some good. My issue is, I don't know how to handle it any more. We are each rather particular people, in that, we each have a way about us that demands a specific set of standards to deal with respectably: especially when dealing with each other. This particularity worked wonders that neither of us could have imagined when we first met, and for what it's worth, I think we each needed it. "It" meaning whatever it was that we created. But we developed differently. We took something different from the thing we created and, in-turn, became different things ourselves. I think the major divide came between us when those two things we became, no longer needed one another in order to satisfy. The underlying "connection" was surely something to fight for in and of itself, but it needed to be re-designed: we're not who we were. This isn't me saying "goodbye," prematurely; it's me begging the question: "to what end?"
Next thing, my personal issue with promises and honesty. Yes, they are directly related to the same thing. Some time ago, I made a promise to myself that I would not lie to my friends. That's the simple end of it. Now, I made this promise a long time ago, and I think I've only held on to it for so long because I don't have any other particular beliefs or habits I can call my own. Unfortunately, as I grew up with it over my head, I learned to approach it like a lawyer looking for a loophole. To this day, I can not recall explicitly lying to a friend, but I have found ways to liberally interpret what "friend" and "truth" mean to me. The most deliberate way for any sensible person to look at "honesty" is that though honesty may oft be the best policy, there are levels of appropriate honesty that vary with circumstance. Especially in "normal" society. In situations when I find nothing fruitful to give to the context verbally, I just won't say anything.
This may also be due, in part, to my general difficulty finding the most appropriate words for...anything. Other than academic essays, I generally re-read, and re-think, everything I've written, or said several times over. But what this is coming to is; I feel like I'm sinking myself lower and lower until I no longer consider anyone a "friend" and relegate everything to vague and inhuman terms.
The moral of the story is: to be a human, among other humans, is to not live by absolute principles; to do otherwise, would be to unmake one's self as a human. My perspective is that even "human" is a relative term; one whose vagaries can be weaponized by the otherwise inhuman. And it is through this weaponization of terms that I have inadvertently hurt not only myself, by stunting my personal development, but also my "friends," by giving them only pieces of a person.
I suppose where I am now, is trying to get back in touch with the rest of me: trying to feel more human without talking around it, and just try to be respectable to others. How hard I'll try to do this, is tough to say. I know what I want, but my otherwise masochistic tenancies may have something else to say about personal improvement. Be well, all.
Take care,
If you want to talk you know how to reach me.
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