Gravity

Not intending to be too specific, I just wanted to lightly reflect on recent events.

Reason is a powerful tool. Like any tool, if mishandled, it can be very dangerous.

I falsely used reason as a measure of comfort to justify how I was living certain aspects of my life. It comforted me to think that how I felt, was reasonably the best I could feel. To acknowledge that I felt more or less would be to invite the doubt of the unreasonable. Unreasonable was, in accordance with seeking out reason for comfort, a decidedly dangerous thing to deal with. But what I couldn't see, was that my perception of "unreasonable," was in itself unreasonable. I couldn't give what I couldn't understand a chance. I couldn't accept that it was okay to not be able to reason with something.

This weekend let me see parts of myself, that I had suppressed as "unreasonable," to be no less a part of me, than my otherwise "reasonable" parts, despite what I called them.

I had regarded feeling my way through something new to be too dangerous to be worth it. A miscalculated notion based on previous circumstances that I couldn't see I had stacked against myself.

I felt this weekend.

For the first time in longer than I care to admit, I felt. I had forgotten the "delights of uncertainty." So many feelings in such a short period of time; of them, the most potent was the sensation of accepting that I am human. The next was accepting that, as a human, I can love without the need to reason and that it is not the same thing as being unreasonable. It is reasonable for a human to be human.

As of now, the experience is still fresh and my whole being hasn't fully stepped back and accepted that this weekend really happened. I do accept, however, that it will come in time.

My mind tells me I will never understand. My heart tells me I am not meant to.

Take care,
-RTB