Some times...

...things just look like they were made for glory. Remember several posts ago when I said that I still look at the top 5 people that appear on my facebook friends list and imagine them as the people I'd be stuck with during a zombie apocalypse scenario? No? Maybe? Anyway, I'm about to leave for a big long trip and this morning's team was composed of my friends: Caitlin Campbell, Nick Hayes, Ari, Carlos, and Elliot Goodness. If I was stuck in a zombie apocalypse scenario with these people: WE WOULD OWN!

That is all. Be back next week.

Take care all,
-Etrius

Sexy Time

Have I yet to make Sexy Talk on here? I'm not sure, I don't re-read a lot of my stuff, so let's have sexy-talk time today. By "Sexy Talk," I mean talk of my apparently indecisive sexuality.

If this already sounds like it's going to be a bit too sticky for some of you, then by all means, please move along. Today we make with the sexy talk.

So, if you're not hip to my social life, I've basically been indecision about my sexual preferences for the past couple years. I believe I may have touched on this in one of my videos, or something...I'm not sure. But I'm a bit more certain that I haven't put it in textual form yet, so I'll take it from the top.

A couple years ago, I ended a relationship that left me curious about my sexuality. I won't go into the details, but I began to think that maybe I was only pursuing heterosexual relationships because I wanted to fit-in with the rest of the hetero-normal culture. I figured that if I truly wanted heterosexual relations, then I wouldn't question it. So did this mean I was gay? I thought it did for about a month. Then the confusion must have reached some sort of breaking point inside me and I realized that I did in-fact feel differently about men and women; and I soon became all-together turned off to the idea of preferring one over the other. So I declared myself Asexual for a few months.

Basically just throwing the whole sexuality thing aside for a time. NOT thinking about it was apparently exactly what I needed. During the time I declared "asexuality" it's not like I stopped having sexual thoughts and feelings. So as time went on, I knew I was only lying to myself.

At some point, I just had to be honest with myself. So, as it is; I suppose I'm more or less comfortable saying that I am Bisexual. I guess what I was most afraid of was the label: bisexual. Society has a lot of assumptions it likes to make about people with particular labels, and I never liked that. So, instead of actually assuming the label of "bisexual" for myself; I'll just define how I particularly feel, in a general way.

I can feel physically comfortable with guys more easily: probably because I am one; and exploring another leaves fewer mysteries, helping me feel more secure. While it takes me a bit more to be physically comfortable with women, I tend to find the experience more enjoyable: the exploration of dissimilar parts oft reaps sweater rewards.

As far as physicality is concerned, there seems to be more variety in women, than in men; or at least so far as I've noticed.

Do I have a type? Not that I can really tell, it just sort of sneaks up on me when I'm least expecting it. I can always admire athletic and healthy people's shapes: appreciating their hard work; but not always feel sexually inclined towards them. Skin tones also seem to come and go with regards to attractiveness.

Relationships/dating? I don't expressly think a "couple" is necessary for an enjoyable and worthwhile sexual experience. I sympathize with the fact that sexual relations with a significant other represent a more fulfilling culmination of mutual feelings; but I also accept the notion that sexual nature is not something that is healthy to suppress, if healthy release is a viable option. If a situation is right, then allow it to happen naturally.

As far as what is "appropriate conduct," I will leave to the discretion of those who care to discuss.

But I think that's about all of the major points of "Sexy Talk" time for today. I love sex discussions, so for anyone who actually reads this; feel free to speak up :)

Questions and so forth are also welcome.

Take care,

Nukin' Duke

Just in the last several hours I've been really attracted to the idea of just saying things in my best impression of Duke Nukem's voice. No, I don't like Duke Nukem. But saying things in his voice makes them hilarious. Not just the normal things either. Like:

"...pisses me off!"

or

"... is ... as hell!"

but also things like:

"I just pooped my pants!"

Those first two are fantastic, because I can just insert whatever I want into them and say it in Duke's voice to make it relevant to any situation. Some of my favorites have been:

-"Buying insurance pisses me off!"
-"I'm confused as hell!"

While I'm running away from something chasing me: "I think I pissed it off!"

I'm on my second big mug of coffee...and it's been a great several hours...let's keep this going

Take care,

P.S.- If you can come up with any "Duke" quotes of your own, please share!

Words, Sounds, and Colors

It's not often that I actually enjoy listening to a love-themed song. I've been particularly taken by "My Hands" from Leona Lewis. In particular, I'm taken by the chorus:

"(My hands) don't wanna start again
(My hands) no they don't wanna understand
(My hands) they just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find
(My hands) they only agree to hold
(Your hands) and they don't wanna be without
(Your hands) and they will not let me go
No they will not let me go"

In the right (or wrong) mood, this song can bring me to tears. I sort of hate that about getting close to certain people. It makes me (or a part of me) dependent on them to function normally. I think the fear of uncontrollable dependence is what has kept me away from relationships for so long now. Getting close to people in that way brings out a weakness in me that I don't know how to handle. This has even repulsed me from having feelings for people, or at least feelings deeper than physical ones.

In other matters, this video a friend of mine showed me expresses to me raw creativity. Watching and listening to it is as if I am on drugs. Please, enjoy:



That's about all for this one.
Take care,

Hammer Time

I never like having to pick "favorites" with anything. But if I was ever asked what my "favorite" song was, I'd have to answer with three. And in no particular order:
-Welcome to the Black Parade
-Paradise by the Dashboard Light
-Scenes from an Italian Restaurant

So there.

In less-than-related news, I keep watching the Harry Potter Deathly Hallows part 2 trailers. Not so much because they're good trailers (which they are), or that I really want to see the movie (which I do), it's just so I can hear Voldemort going "NYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!" over and over again.





Take care,

Time In!

Okay, laundry's done, coffee's wearing off, and I have to deal with 400 lacrosse kids for two more days. At least till next week; then I don't know what I'm up against. This infinitely faster paced cafe work is actually proving to be way more interesting and enjoyable. It's hecktic and crazy; and if one thing goes wrong then everything else is liable to get messed up. I love it.

Other than that, not too much is going on; I don't really have time for too much else TO be going on. Hopefully something interesting will happen this weekend.

Take care,

Time Out

Okay, I need to do laundry after I get back home tonight: I'm out of boxers and forced to wear briefs; my nuts can't take it!

Take Care,

to recycle in Grimdox

Before you get any cute ideas, I'm not going to be talking about sustainability and the like. As much as I support it all, my title is trying to refer more to recycling in the sense of internal personal recycling.

Uh oh, Rick's about to go on another one of his philosophical/psychological tirades...hold on to your tits and balls, it'll be fine. I'm going to try and keep this as practical as possible.

I guess this will be going off of my last post with regards to wanting to "make my brain work more efficiently" (or however I worded it). Well, in trying to make my mind a more respectable place to spend time in, I figure I should "clean up" its junk. By "clean up" I of course mean recycle. Or, at best, re-purpose. And by "junk" I mean the stuff I had mentioned that, otherwise, never sees the light of day. To this end, I'm going to attempt to explore other forms of "creativity dump." But I would like to find a way to "dump" that would actually serve a meaningful purpose to me; like art. I guess when I say meaningful, I also mean like a portfolio; or something.

So I've been meaning to get back in to writing for a while now, and more than just little ideas and stuff. I mean I want to get back in to creating worlds and people and situations. I miss that. My problem is that when I have an idea of something I would like to create in written form, it changes in the middle of my attempting to write it. Which reminds me of physics and how much I wasn't particularly good at it. But anyway...yeah. I think what I should do to at least help alleviate some of that difficulty is to just carry a notepad with me (which I think would be good form for anyone). I try to take my camera with me everywhere, just in case; but it's really only for those moments that you would normally wish you had a camera for and didn't. I need to start looking around for ways to better express creativity through my surroundings. Even if what I do has nothing, in particular, to do with the "junk" in my head, I think it'll be healthy to seriously explore as many creativity dumps as I can manage. Especially in these times of...nothing.

"Nothing" as in I have too much free time. Work finally called me for some time next week; but who knows if that will be the only time they call me all Summer. So needless to say, I'm looking for some ways to help explore and initiate some self-improvement. And I figure the most effective, and satisfying, way to explore self-improvement is by trying to recycle some of my "junk" and buildup in to creative expression.

One form that I've been trying to keep up on, and keep interesting, is my youtube channel where I try to post weekly videos of some things I found interesting to me.

Another is this blog, doing the same, but in written form; allowing for me to provide a more literal ocmmentary of my life and things.

I also have a private blog for personal things; because if anything is important to keep in good health, it's the personal stuff.

So, in the future I hope I'm not afraid to explore more interesting ways to express myself. I am, of course, open for ideas.

Take care,

Time Frame

Fixing myself a cup of coffee and I'm thinking: "I'd like to get back in to blogging more seriously." In the realm of, something intellectually satisfying. But in truth, I've had little to no intellectual satisfaction as of late.
Talking with one of my friends recently, we both came to the conclusion that we were just sort of waiting the the "next shit to happen." Now, speaking for myself, I know all I need to do is initiate something; a hobby for example. I also have plenty of books on my shelf that I would like to get back in to, if only so I can said I finished them. But when it comes to figuring out how to practice the difference between practical living and...well...impractical living, I've decided I'm just an intellectual with commitment issues.

I am also saying that without really knowing what an "intellectual" is; an intellectual to me is someone who spends more time focusing on things inside rather than outside his/her head. For better or for worse. And I say that I am one with commitment issues because sometimes, I truly feel dumb. Dumb, and immature, far beneath my potential. While this may be true in a very general respect, and healthy on a more honest one, I don't like it. I know it's good to let your mind relax every so often; I just don't like that feeling of preforming at a cognitive level far under what I've done before.

I think it may just be a self-conscious thing; the fear of being tested intellectually at a moment when I'm less-than-optimal. Maybe that's why I'm tired so often. And not physically tired; I found out the hard way that it takes a lot to wear me down physically (ie. tearing some muscles). But the kind of tired when your brain just doesn't care to process anything anymore; I've been like that for some time now.

Am I overusing  or misusing semicolons?

Most of the work my brain is doing is just over analyzing a potential situation before it happens, and over criticizing things that have already happened. On a personal level though. Or selfish; pick one. I keep figuring how I could or should go about something. But the main problem is that almost none of the work done gets to see the light of day; it all just stays in my head. Which I'm sure can be the explanation for plenty of my problems, but mainly those that involve my future.

I know what I'd like to do, but I have no idea how I would go about it. Not just career-wise, but living-wise and social-wise too.

As far as work is concerned: I know what I'm good at; I just don't know how to capitalize on it.

As far as living is concerned: I know I would like a a lot of space and privacy; I just don't like not being close to "things" like essential services and friends. I like the idea, and simplicity of an apartment; though apartments don't usually come with a good sense of privacy.

As far as social stuff is concerned for the future: I'm not really sure. I figure as it stands, so long as I have good close friends, what do I need a relationship for? In essence, I don't know what they mean to me; giving me no real desire for them.

I think I just need to learn to relax my head more, and more efficiently use it's energy. Now to just get on that...(?)

Take care,