Time and a Half

My final semester of my undergraduate education is coming to a close here in the next two weeks. I'm not really sure how to feel. There's so much TO feel. "Anxious," I think, would be the only appropriate one-word descriptor to apply.
Big plans to hopefully come to fruition following this holiday season. I hope everything works out.


By the way, this happened:

 

Yeah. So, a lot of good and mysterious stuff to look forward to in the very near future.

I hope everyone else is handling things well in life.

Take care,

-Etrius

Fear

The Halloween season, that I am sadly too busy to truly participate in this year, got me thinking about what I am afraid of. Not accounting for any failings in self awareness, I would generally say that I'm not afraid of very many things. But I finally found the word to describe something I do find scary, and that I am legitimately afraid of: Indoctrination.

Not any specific kind. Just in general.

Probably stemming from my insecurity that I may not understand myself or know who I am; that who I consider to be "me" may only be composed of things others have forced upon me and that nothing I would consider uniquely "me" is really mine at all. Spooky.

So, what are YOU afraid of?

Take care,
-Etrius

Gravity

Not intending to be too specific, I just wanted to lightly reflect on recent events.

Reason is a powerful tool. Like any tool, if mishandled, it can be very dangerous.

I falsely used reason as a measure of comfort to justify how I was living certain aspects of my life. It comforted me to think that how I felt, was reasonably the best I could feel. To acknowledge that I felt more or less would be to invite the doubt of the unreasonable. Unreasonable was, in accordance with seeking out reason for comfort, a decidedly dangerous thing to deal with. But what I couldn't see, was that my perception of "unreasonable," was in itself unreasonable. I couldn't give what I couldn't understand a chance. I couldn't accept that it was okay to not be able to reason with something.

This weekend let me see parts of myself, that I had suppressed as "unreasonable," to be no less a part of me, than my otherwise "reasonable" parts, despite what I called them.

I had regarded feeling my way through something new to be too dangerous to be worth it. A miscalculated notion based on previous circumstances that I couldn't see I had stacked against myself.

I felt this weekend.

For the first time in longer than I care to admit, I felt. I had forgotten the "delights of uncertainty." So many feelings in such a short period of time; of them, the most potent was the sensation of accepting that I am human. The next was accepting that, as a human, I can love without the need to reason and that it is not the same thing as being unreasonable. It is reasonable for a human to be human.

As of now, the experience is still fresh and my whole being hasn't fully stepped back and accepted that this weekend really happened. I do accept, however, that it will come in time.

My mind tells me I will never understand. My heart tells me I am not meant to.

Take care,
-RTB

Crunch Time

Well, I don't think I have it in me to give a full over-view of the recent goings-on; but given my extended absence I do feel like I owe at least "laying down what the playing field looks like" for me.

Okay, the long term-y looking stuff looks like this: Grad-school or Work. I'm pretty sure I already know my family's support is out the window on this one, but I'd really like to pursue grad-school if I can. I'd like to pursue a master's program in Game Design at Sacred Heart University if-at-all possible. My dream carrier outcome would be to combine my Undergrad's Sociology experience with that of a Game Designer so that I may work to create more good socially respectable and responsible games. "Respectable and responsible" in the form of not being exploitative of humankind's out-groups; if anything, embellish the things all people can find in common and feel deeply about.
The difficulties that stand before this dream are generally the consequences of me taking too long to care about things. Specifically, most grad programs require a particular GPA and letters of recommendation in addition to other things. My extended absence from the realm of "student that cares about grades" has left me with a GPA that will only barely allow me to graduate (if it doesn't get any lower). This has, in part, extended from my lack of willingness to communicate with my professors; so I was not comfortable seeking help with complications that arose. The lack of communication has left me in a position of not having too many (if any) professors that will know me enough to effectively back me in a letter of recommendation.
I know I put myself in this position; I'm not trying to blame anyone else here but me, but that doesn't mean I have to like it (or let it hold me down).
The alternative would be to stay local and find some work; I don't even know where to begin with trying to figure that out. I've been eye-balling my internship as a possibility, but that's too up-in-the-air to figure conclusively at the moment. The other thing would be to ask my current place of work for something; but for as long as I've been there, the more I'm gathering that staying longer than intended is going to hold me down in terrible ways. My "left field" option is to look for something new with my degree and see where that takes me etc...but that little issue leads me into...

Short-term-y, more "immediately pressing issues" type stuff: the race against time. Well, to put it simply: I am here in my last semester. This semester extends beyond the four years covered by the TAP financial aid: I'm left to cover the difference out-of-pocket. I have money, but it's not even close to enough. Apparently, I'll be allowed to finish the semester, but not being able to pay the college back on-time will delay me getting my degree. As it stands, I'm fighting for as many hours at work as my already-cramped schedule can handle. I haven't crunched any numbers; but the way I figure, I should be able to pay the school what I owe within the semester's time (provided no complications arise). I'm planning my spending as tightly as I can with still being able to feed myself etc.
Believe me, I've ran the worst-case scenarios through my head already; I won't mention them here, but just having them run through my head has my spirits in dyer straights.

So, for the sake of protocol, I may as well say that I'm probably not going to be making a regular schedule of blogging or vlogging. Or general social anything, for that matter. The social interactions I've been afforded thus far have been out of luck, or some personal cost.

The best looking thing about my situation so far is that, from what I can tell, each of my classes seem interesting and able to offer something meaningful to my current predicament. "Careful management of available resources" is more crucial now than I think I have ever known before; not to sound dramatic, but it's taken me too long to realize that this game is being played "for keeps."

Will I "not know what I have till I lose it?" Or will I keep it and continue onward, thankful it was there the whole time?

I'll keep you as up-to-date as I can.

Take care,
-Rich

Absence

I guess it has been a while, sorry about that. Things have really picked up for me, and I don't have as much time as I thought I'd have for things like blogging (here or on youtube).

I hope to have you caught up on things when I have time to just sit and stew over what's been going on. Maybe after work tonight. Hope everyone is doing well.

Take Care,
-Rich

Old Stuff, New Stuff

This last week home has been really weird, slow, and full.

Only a few things of particular interest have happened, but those things have been pretty substantial.

The first big thing was helping my Mom sift through the mezzanine of our quonset hut to find anything worth keeping, and throwing everything else in a dumpster. It was strange to see things I hadn't seen since we left the trailer in Chittenango. So many old memories. It was like searching a vault of time capsules. A bunch of stuff was surprisingly salvageable. I'll probably dedicate my video this weekend to showing off some of my old stuff. I'm really happy I was able to save a lot of it.

Some things, though, were not saved. My first teddy bear, amongst other stuffed animals were damaged from rats and bugs beyond saving. I saved most of my old beanie-baby collection; except for my old favorite.

He was the main hero of all my young adventures:Bear

I had to at least take a picture of him before I let him go. I couldn't get a picture of my first bear because he was so badly mangled. But he too will be sorely missed. I also lost "Big Brown-Bear," his place was usually to play the "wise old man" figure in my fantasies. AGain, no picture.

Of some new things going on, I tried a new vodka flavor: Cake. White Cake to be exact. It's made by UV, a brand I don't recall spending too much time with, but the brand I tried first when I first tried alcohol. But UV's Cake is dangerously tasty, and freakishly accurate to the taste of cake-batter.

Also, I ordered all of my books for my last semester coming up here soon...and I am now very painfully broke.

I got a new phone:

It's my first touchscreen device, and I'm still getting use to it. The most amazing thing to me is that it's still through TracFone.




Then there's this:

The Longstrike that I've been looking to get for some time. Early B-day present >:-3

I think that's about all I have in me to blab about today. I have to get to bed early to wake up at 5 tomorrow morning and work an epic shift. But after buying my books, I am in epic-need of moneys. So here it goes.

Take care,
-Rich

Friendly Apes

Today was interesting. I actually got to hang out with my Dad's Mom, who I call Nanny. She lives with us, and let me borrow her car for all of my practicing. She'll also be away for the weekend I'm leaving for school, so today was basically our day to do anything for my birthday (because she's a grandmother, and she likes to do stuff for her grand kids). So I told her that our old favorite "Dinner and a movie" sounded good.

We use to go and spend time with each other more often when I was younger. So it was really nice to be able to re-live that again. We went to see the new "Planet of the Apes" movie. I honestly thought it was a joke the first time I saw the trailer. Then as more trailers came out, I became more and more curious. Turns out I really liked it. More than I was prepared to. I also can't remember the last time I saw James Franco in something. I sort of knew Nanny would like it; it had that sci-fi action edge to it that she got me in to a while back.

Then we went to Friendly's and had dinner. We each had a different chicken melt. I got to try each; they were both fantastic.

That was about it. Other than tonight being my first time driving such a long distance in the dark (which made me accidentally cut someone off), not much else going on.

Having a drinky time, and playing video games.

I need to order my books soon. I need to find out what books I need first :-p

Then I need to make sure everything is clear for my living arrangements coming up in a week or so.

When all of the time seemed to have gone, what is left suddenly slows to a crawl. Is something coming?

Take care,
-Rich